new years. a time that always brings people back to a place of reflection on the past, and hope for the days ahead.
resolutions, new habits, fresh starts, the list of things to "make yourself better" goes on and on.
every year i want to get skinnier. become wiser. worry less. take my vitamins. read my bible. be nice to people. etc. etc. etc. if i were becoming all that i had hoped that i would be in the last year, or the one before that, i wouldn't need to resolve myself to these challenges again.
i am not the problem and a resolution is not the answer.
you know why i want to be skinner? because i want to look good for other people. i want people to think i am attractive. because society says skinny is pretty. thats crap.
wiser? so that people will think i have my crap together.
less worrisome? because it will make me believe that eventually life will be perfect and my problems obsolete.
this year i will strive to be all that He has called me to be. not who i wish i was, or what i think i should be. the good & the bad. the wise and the unknowing. i am taking it all, and i longing to live my life with the present moment at the forefront of my mind.
i will exercise because it makes me feel good. it gives me energy and i like to do it. some days i won't because all i will want to do is lay in bed and eat penny candies until i throw up. i've been doing that all my life. it's not going to stop now.
i will read my bible and take in all that it has for me. some days i will be reaching to find one thing that "hits home". somedays i won't even open it because something else will catch my attention, and i will find it boring. i am human.
i will control my worries and fears and know that my story is in the hands of Writer, but there will be times when i forget and convince myself that my story ends at the fall, and forget about the redemption.
i will remember that i am here because i have been blessed, and i am called to be a blessing to others. i will live with no regrets. i will forget the past and think more about the future. i will strive to live each day with joy and progress. i will stop living within the confines of who i think i should be.
and i will do it all with a smile on my face (at least i will try, because my husband says i always walk around with "piss mist" and i usually dont even know it) and peace in my heart. knowing that my life is not based on a series of resolutions, but rather moments that form days, and eventually years. that the journey is the destination and that where i am now is not where i will always be. that i am worthy and so are my dreams.
i will do it knowing that i can have peace with who i am, and erase the list of resolutions to become a better me.