this isnt a post about love, or my lessons in marriage. to be honest, i wouldn't even know where to begin when it comes to talking about marriage. all i know is that i love my husband desperately. he frustrates me daily. i love who we are becoming, as individuals and a couple, and it's hard work. i wouldn't change a thing, and i know that i am with exactly who i am suppose to be with. he streches me, teaches me, appreciates me, and loves me.
this is a post about weight.
today was the first time in almost 6 years that i looked at my wedding album. with the exception to a few good "angle shots", i refused to look at my wedding pictures for years, because i couldn't bare the way i looked in them.
Honeymoon pic. Babies. I can see Bennett in both of our faces.
the roundness of my face.
the chubby cheeks.
today i decided that i wanted to find some of our pics to make a little wedding banner across our kitchen counter. it seemed like an economical way of celebrating, since an elaborate night out isn't practical this year.
i apprehensively grabbed the wedding album from the spare bedroom during Bennett's nap, and took a deep breath before i opened it. the first shot. bam. head on, aisle shot.
i couldn't believe it... "dang. i looked good!" i immediately texted a screen shot of it to matt captioned "remember that time i thought i was fat??? #hindsight." i like to use hashtags in text messages. its fun.
this isn't a post about how good i think i looked. i assure you that's not what i am getting to.
hindsight is a crazy thing. it can make you look back at the thing that you once dreaded, and be thankful for that same very thing. it can cause you to see the value in something that you once saw as worthless, and it can show you who you were, and how far you have come in the same breath.
when i look at that picture i can say with some maturity that i was not fat. maybe its because i am 20lbs heavier today then i was on that day, however, my 28 year old self sees the person that i was and accept that at that time in my life, weight was my biggest mental issue. it was my only "problem". it was my only concern.
when you step back and look at the big picture you realize that there is so much more to be concerned with. who you are as a person. how you treat people. the love you accept. how you are growing in maturity. the external things pale in comparison.
the older that i get, the more my desire to be known for being outwardly beautiful fades, and my desire to be known as person with a beautiful spirit increases.
i want to be a person who...
is fearlessly real.
full of questions.
always drawing closer to my God.
understands the importance of first impressions - and not from a physical standpoint.
is beautiful in spirit.
i want to be a person who can see other people for who they are, beyond any physical appearance.
i want to be a person that can display my wedding picture, and push aside my feelings on how i looked that day. because i know that it was one of the happiest days of my life, and that outshines any insecurities that i may have.