Weight Issues

today was my seven year wedding anniversary.

this isnt a post about love, or my lessons in marriage. to be honest, i wouldn't even know where to begin when it comes to talking about marriage. all i know is that i love my husband desperately. he frustrates me daily. i love who we are becoming, as individuals and a couple, and it's hard work. i wouldn't change a thing, and i know that i am with exactly who i am suppose to be with. he streches me, teaches me, appreciates me, and loves me.

this is a post about weight.

today was the first time in almost 6 years that i looked at my wedding album. with the exception to a few good "angle shots", i refused to look at my wedding pictures for years, because i couldn't bare the way i looked in them.

Honeymoon pic. Babies. I can see Bennett in both of our faces.

the roundness of my face.
the chubby cheeks.
squinty eyes.
huge belly.
large hips.
flabby arms.
boobs.

today i decided that i wanted to find some of our pics to make a little wedding banner across our kitchen counter. it seemed like an economical way of celebrating, since an elaborate night out isn't practical this year.

i apprehensively grabbed the wedding album from the spare bedroom during Bennett's nap, and took a deep breath before i opened it. the first shot. bam. head on, aisle shot.

i couldn't believe it... "dang. i looked good!" i immediately texted a screen shot of it to matt captioned "remember that time i thought i was fat??? #hindsight." i like to use hashtags in text messages. its fun.

this isn't a post about how good i think i looked. i assure you that's not what i am getting to. 

hindsight is a crazy thing. it can make you look back at the thing that you once dreaded, and be thankful for that same very thing. it can cause you to see the value in something that you once saw as worthless, and it can show you who you were, and how far you have come in the same breath.

when i look at that picture i can say with some maturity that i was not fat. maybe its because i am 20lbs heavier today then i was on that day, however, my 28 year old self sees the person that i was and accept that at that time in my life, weight was my biggest mental issue. it was my only "problem". it was my only concern.

when you step back and look at the big picture you realize that there is so much more to be concerned with. who you are as a person. how you treat people. the love you accept. how you are growing in maturity. the external things pale in comparison. 

the older that i get, the more my desire to be known for being outwardly beautiful fades, and my desire to be known as person with a beautiful spirit increases.

i want to be a person who...
is fearlessly real.
full of questions.
always learning.
always drawing closer to my God.
understands the importance of first impressions - and not from a physical standpoint.
is beautiful in spirit. 

i want to be a person who can see other people for who they are, beyond any physical appearance. 

i want to be a person that can display my wedding picture, and push aside my feelings on how i looked that day. because i know that it was one of the happiest days of my life, and that outshines any insecurities that i may have.

| high five for friday |

... it was so good, I made ya wait until Saturday! not really, I just forgot.

1. bennett meets banana.

2. i rearranged my bookshelf.

3. last weekend we did some re-arranging, and added our desk to our bedroom - just until our basement is finished. i needed some place to put my stuff.

4. lots of reflection on how thankful and blessed i am to have my mama's boy.

5. baby turned 6 months this week. growing so fast.

| stay or leave |

it's a quiet friday. a dave matthews kind of night.

| speechless |

Have you ever had so much to say... and can't figure out how to say it?

I spend most of my life struggling to share the thoughts and opinions in my heart and mind. It's not because I don't feel they are important or that they are of little value, but because I often don't know how to articulate them. That's why they usually come out in the form of a rant, quick remark, or incoherent mumble.

For me, this blog has been an escape. A way to get off my chest the things that circle though my brain over, and over again. I am sure that my relationships would go to new heights if our way of communicating was me - writing down everything i wanted to say - and the other person reading it, and responding verbally a few days later.

I wonder what it is that holds my tongue and renders me speechless when I want to share what's on my heart. Maybe it's fear, or the anxiety of being cut off when i speak. Maybe it is just plain nerves. Maybe it's the painful thought of hearing the words "no" or "you're wrong". Maybe it's evidence of  my introverted personalty. it may appear that i am extroverted by my hyper-activeness in group settings. i am not. that is a coping mechanism for me, when really, all i want to do is eat candy alone, in my room, wrapped in a blanket, and think about things... alone. 

I remember being in high school and having to do a 20 minute report on a book that I read, for my "ISU". I. Was. Purple. I was so anxious that my face started over-heating and it became visable to my classmates that I was, clearly, nervous. Dark red patches all over. It didn't matter that I had word for word notes, or that it was a pretty relaxed atmosphere. There was a disconnect somewhere between the assurance of what I knew, and the articulating of it. 

There are so many times that I want to carry on a conversation, drop a word in a friends ear, or grab the mic from my husband at youth and get all spiritual (shaka for those of you that run in pentecostal circles) on our students... and it's as if when I go to speak, there is a hand on my throat, choking me tightly, until I can no longer breathe.

I use to believe that this was just a character trait. That some gifts were only given to certain people, and that I just wasn't blessed with the "gift of gab". On the contrary it has become evident to me over the last little while that surely I wouldn't have been given the desire, or the insight, if I wasn't suppose to share.

I can only conclude that there is a war going on, and I am at battle with an unseen opponent. I feel like Pink and that man that she is a battle with in her music video for 'Try', minus the sexual tension.
The struggle of getting the words out of my body, and into something logical - even in the written form - is agonizing. Every time I write a blog post my right arm starts sweating uncontrollably and I get heart palpitations :( 

A few days ago I was reminded of Moses. A man who's story is miraculous from the giddy up. God had this pretty epic task for him - to lead the people of Israel out of slavery, and into freedom. As you can imagine, leading a large herd of people would probably require some... verbal communication. When God told Moses what he wanted him to do he begged him to pick another for the job: 

 “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Therefore go, and I will be your mouth, and teach you what to speak." Exodus 4:10-12 (ESV)

I think it's funny that Moses had to explain his situation to God, like He didn't already know. I wonder how many times I have something that I want to share, but instead I hold back, because I think I am not capable of doing His message justice. 

Even after God told him that He was with him, He continued the debate about his qualifications. "Oh Lord, Please send someone else." So He got another to speak on his behalf. 

 You would think that if you had seen God appear in a burning bush, and watched Him turn your staff into a snake, you would have the faith to believe that He could teach you what to say. 

The thing about insecurity is that it causes us to believe that even God himself lacks the power to use us. 

What would our dreams look like if we took our talents and gifts out of the equation, and only left the power of God at work in us? Who would our story reach if we stopped worrying about how we were going to send it, and remember that it has already been prepared, all we have to do is deliver it? 

"Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Therefore go, and I will be your mouth, and teach you what to speak."

Lord:
Use me even in the midst of my unbelief.  
Come and rescue me when I feel that I cannot breathe.
Be my mouth and teacher, when I cannot find the words to speak.

| high five for friday |

 1. We got home from a great vacation in Ontario visiting family & friends --- but it was so good to get home and back into the swing of things! Bennett was happy to be back in his jolly jumper.

2. I made this poster after I was inspired by one I saw on Pinterest. Now I just need to find a frame for it!

3. Bennett started sleeping on his stomach. He sleeps through the night, which isn't new, but his naps have been getting longer - which I like!

4. Someone is moving up in the world! Traveling around town has been much nicer this week now that I don't have a crying baby the whole time! :D 

5. Annnd... this week I spent sometime reflecting on our first Christmas as a family. It was great!

| this year |

new years. a time that always brings people back to a place of reflection on the past, and hope for the days ahead.

resolutions, new habits, fresh starts, the list of things to "make yourself better" goes on and on.

every year i want to get skinnier. become wiser. worry less. take my vitamins. read my bible. be nice to people. etc. etc. etc. if i were becoming all that i had hoped that i would be in the last year, or the one before that, i wouldn't need to resolve myself to these challenges again.

i am not the problem and a resolution is not the answer.

you know why i want to be skinner? because i want to look good for other people. i want people to think i am attractive. because society says skinny is pretty. thats crap.
wiser? so that people will think i have my crap together.
less worrisome? because it will make me believe that eventually life will be perfect and my problems obsolete.

this year i will strive to be all that He has called me to be. not who i wish i was, or what i think i should be. the good & the bad. the wise and the unknowing.  i am taking it all, and i longing to live my life with the present moment at the forefront of my mind.

i will exercise because it makes me feel good. it gives me energy and i like to do it. some days i won't because all i will want to do is lay in bed and eat penny candies until i throw up. i've been doing that all my life. it's not going to stop now.

i will read my bible and take in all that it has for me. some days i will be reaching to find one thing that "hits home". somedays i won't even open it because something else will catch my attention, and i will find it boring. i am human.

i will control my worries and fears and know that my story is in the hands of Writer, but there will be times when i forget and convince myself that my story ends at the fall, and forget about the redemption.

i will remember that i am here because i have been blessed, and i am called to be a blessing to others. i will live with no regrets. i will forget the past and think more about the future. i will strive to live each day with joy and progress. i will stop living within the confines of who i think i should be.

and i will do it all with a smile on my face (at least i will try, because my husband says i always walk around with "piss mist" and i usually dont even know it) and peace in my heart. knowing that my life is not based on a series of resolutions, but rather moments that form days, and eventually years. that the journey is the destination and that where i am now is not where i will always be. that i am worthy and so are my dreams. 

i will do it knowing that i can have peace with who i am, and erase the list of resolutions to become a better me. 
 

| #hashtags |

#Best2012Memories

- Bennett is born. July 8 2012. 7.6oz. 21 inches. 9:08pm.

- My last day of work before a year of mat leave. I was so tired.

- Going home in August to see family & introduce Bennett. Stressful, exhausting, and so worth it!

- Christmas.

- Blogging again

- Singing on worship team. It felt good to do what I enjoy, and push me to deal with anxiety issues! 

- Injecting people with dental anesthetic. I know, weird. It was kind of a big deal for me.

- Christmas shopping spree with my dental office. Such an awesome surprise. So thoughtful.

- Using my crock-pot.

- Being a part of the 'big move' to our new church building. Such an awesome privilege to be able to minister with a great facility. I know it's not about the building... but it does make a lot of things easier!

- Reuniting with my BFF. Getting to see her beautiful home. Going out for dinner. Cruising around her city. It was all good.

- Self reflection. Recognizing personal growth. Growing up. Realizing what matters. Understanding where I need to grow. Enjoying the moment.

| high five for friday |

 

1. Another youth formal come and gone! It was a great night. Love our youth group, and all of our leaders. We are so blessed. 

2. This is the first year that I have prepared a CHRISTMAS CARD. It may be because Bennett is here, or it could be because I am addicted to Pinterest. But this year, I thought it was neccessary to have a Christmas card. I was going to have a professional pic taken of him, and one of us as a family, but it just wasn't in the finances this year - so I made my own. Once he stopped gnawing on the live wires, and looked up at the camera I managed to get a good shot! I winged it in photoshop, and came up with this. It works! 

3. I decided to go through some boxes of clothes in the basement - because I have been buying stuff from Value Village since I found out I was having a boy. I found a whole box of 6-12 month old stuff, which is awesome because all of B's shirts were too short in the arms! 

4. We got to hang out with some friends this week, and played Pictionary. It was so much fun, even for the 2/4 of us that despise playing games. 

5. Baby leg warmers. On my wish list. Ridiculously priced - so we made our own. It's amazing the variety of socks they have at Dollarama. I was just there quickly picking up some paint, and bought a few pairs on a whim, with the hopes that my vision would become reality. 

 

| merry christmas |

This is our first family Christmas card! 

| Merry Christmas 2012 |

| confessions of a child star |

when i was 13 i played the role of a 1940's (?) celebrity, who had lost her joy, in a kid's christmas play. it was the highlight of my adolescent life. hence the reason why i refer to myself as a CHILD STAR!

i remember thinking back then, how could ANYONE ever be sad at Christmas? presents! food! stockings! family! presents! things! oooo. needless to say, i had a hard time "identifying" with my character.

15 years later, and I can understand why that precious soul, Angel O'Hare, had lost her joy.

 this is one of my favourite pics.

I hate to admit it, but two years ago, i cried because my stocking wasn't good enough. it wasn't neccessarily because i didn't like what Matt put in it (although the candy necklace was kind of an odd choice) It was the order in which he placed them in the stocking. He put the best thing first, causing the rest of the items to pale in comparison. i wish i were kidding. this was 2 years ago, and i feel i have really grown since then, so don't judge me. 

when you lose your joy, it doesn't matter what is given to you, it is never good enough. 

i wish i could say this is a post about losing your joy at christmas... but it's so much more then that. 

for years - as long as i could remember, really - i have struggled with comparison. i thought i would find my joy in feeling that i was superior... good enough... worthy. i thought i would be happy when everything on my list had a check mark next to it. over the last year i have learned that joy is so much more then being happy and comfortable. it's about an internal enlightenment, that reflects in everything we face, and do. 

 upon searching for a few mean mugged pics of myself, it turns out this is a repeat offender.

true joy: 

doesn't need a perfect circumstance, it can be found in all seasons.

rejoices with those that rejoice. it is so important to be happy for other people. i am discovering that i am happiest when i am genuinely happy for those around me. 

doesn't need "stuff" to be complete. 

understands that just because my life is different, it doesn't mean it's not great. because when we compare ourselves to others, you can almost always find something to be envious of. 

isn't a momentary emotion. its a constant condition of the heart. 

is rare, and something to be sought after. 

the older i get the more i just want to be a person who is joyful. i hate the struggle, the internal fight. it takes so much energy to keep a happy face, when you are internally miserable. and it's so not worth it. i hate to think of all the burned bridges, lost friendships, and horrible first impressions i have made.

for so long i believe that a bitter, sarcastic, and opinionated presence meant i was unbreakable. i thought that it was something to be envied, and that people would realize that if i was nice to them, they were special. how sick in the head is that? the truth is is that joy speaks louder then bitterness EVER will. the people around you can always see through your mask. 

i am so thankful that God is constantly chipping away at me. little by little. forming me into the woman that he has called me to be. 

in these last few days i have been thinking about all of the things that i want and need in order to be happy, i have discovered that this may be the first time in my life that my list is full of things other then jeans, perfume, gift cards, etc. 

i am desiring a joyful home, a great marriage, deeper friendships, more wisdom, greater insight, a heart that longs to minister to others, less anxiety, more peace, less pride, a humble heart, restored relationships, more honesty, the ability to be real! and the list goes on. 

the great thing about God is that it doesn't matter how many times i act like an idiot - He always forgives, and He is the God of the second (and third, and fourth...) chance. he sees my heart, and where i have been, and he gently guides me into the path that i am sometimes unknowingly longing for. 

i am so glad that this year i have realized that what my heart is longing for is anything but stuff. it is longing for the things that his hand has been guiding me to, for years:

completeness.
fullness.
contentment.
joy.

 

i couldn't find a picture of me dressed up as Angel O'Hare - but I did find this grade 8 gem. that's me in the middle. the one that looks like zac hanson.