| speechless |

Have you ever had so much to say... and can't figure out how to say it?

I spend most of my life struggling to share the thoughts and opinions in my heart and mind. It's not because I don't feel they are important or that they are of little value, but because I often don't know how to articulate them. That's why they usually come out in the form of a rant, quick remark, or incoherent mumble.

For me, this blog has been an escape. A way to get off my chest the things that circle though my brain over, and over again. I am sure that my relationships would go to new heights if our way of communicating was me - writing down everything i wanted to say - and the other person reading it, and responding verbally a few days later.

I wonder what it is that holds my tongue and renders me speechless when I want to share what's on my heart. Maybe it's fear, or the anxiety of being cut off when i speak. Maybe it is just plain nerves. Maybe it's the painful thought of hearing the words "no" or "you're wrong". Maybe it's evidence of  my introverted personalty. it may appear that i am extroverted by my hyper-activeness in group settings. i am not. that is a coping mechanism for me, when really, all i want to do is eat candy alone, in my room, wrapped in a blanket, and think about things... alone. 

I remember being in high school and having to do a 20 minute report on a book that I read, for my "ISU". I. Was. Purple. I was so anxious that my face started over-heating and it became visable to my classmates that I was, clearly, nervous. Dark red patches all over. It didn't matter that I had word for word notes, or that it was a pretty relaxed atmosphere. There was a disconnect somewhere between the assurance of what I knew, and the articulating of it. 

There are so many times that I want to carry on a conversation, drop a word in a friends ear, or grab the mic from my husband at youth and get all spiritual (shaka for those of you that run in pentecostal circles) on our students... and it's as if when I go to speak, there is a hand on my throat, choking me tightly, until I can no longer breathe.

I use to believe that this was just a character trait. That some gifts were only given to certain people, and that I just wasn't blessed with the "gift of gab". On the contrary it has become evident to me over the last little while that surely I wouldn't have been given the desire, or the insight, if I wasn't suppose to share.

I can only conclude that there is a war going on, and I am at battle with an unseen opponent. I feel like Pink and that man that she is a battle with in her music video for 'Try', minus the sexual tension.
The struggle of getting the words out of my body, and into something logical - even in the written form - is agonizing. Every time I write a blog post my right arm starts sweating uncontrollably and I get heart palpitations :( 

A few days ago I was reminded of Moses. A man who's story is miraculous from the giddy up. God had this pretty epic task for him - to lead the people of Israel out of slavery, and into freedom. As you can imagine, leading a large herd of people would probably require some... verbal communication. When God told Moses what he wanted him to do he begged him to pick another for the job: 

 “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Therefore go, and I will be your mouth, and teach you what to speak." Exodus 4:10-12 (ESV)

I think it's funny that Moses had to explain his situation to God, like He didn't already know. I wonder how many times I have something that I want to share, but instead I hold back, because I think I am not capable of doing His message justice. 

Even after God told him that He was with him, He continued the debate about his qualifications. "Oh Lord, Please send someone else." So He got another to speak on his behalf. 

 You would think that if you had seen God appear in a burning bush, and watched Him turn your staff into a snake, you would have the faith to believe that He could teach you what to say. 

The thing about insecurity is that it causes us to believe that even God himself lacks the power to use us. 

What would our dreams look like if we took our talents and gifts out of the equation, and only left the power of God at work in us? Who would our story reach if we stopped worrying about how we were going to send it, and remember that it has already been prepared, all we have to do is deliver it? 

"Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Therefore go, and I will be your mouth, and teach you what to speak."

Lord:
Use me even in the midst of my unbelief.  
Come and rescue me when I feel that I cannot breathe.
Be my mouth and teacher, when I cannot find the words to speak.

| high five for friday |

 1. We got home from a great vacation in Ontario visiting family & friends --- but it was so good to get home and back into the swing of things! Bennett was happy to be back in his jolly jumper.

2. I made this poster after I was inspired by one I saw on Pinterest. Now I just need to find a frame for it!

3. Bennett started sleeping on his stomach. He sleeps through the night, which isn't new, but his naps have been getting longer - which I like!

4. Someone is moving up in the world! Traveling around town has been much nicer this week now that I don't have a crying baby the whole time! :D 

5. Annnd... this week I spent sometime reflecting on our first Christmas as a family. It was great!

| this year |

new years. a time that always brings people back to a place of reflection on the past, and hope for the days ahead.

resolutions, new habits, fresh starts, the list of things to "make yourself better" goes on and on.

every year i want to get skinnier. become wiser. worry less. take my vitamins. read my bible. be nice to people. etc. etc. etc. if i were becoming all that i had hoped that i would be in the last year, or the one before that, i wouldn't need to resolve myself to these challenges again.

i am not the problem and a resolution is not the answer.

you know why i want to be skinner? because i want to look good for other people. i want people to think i am attractive. because society says skinny is pretty. thats crap.
wiser? so that people will think i have my crap together.
less worrisome? because it will make me believe that eventually life will be perfect and my problems obsolete.

this year i will strive to be all that He has called me to be. not who i wish i was, or what i think i should be. the good & the bad. the wise and the unknowing.  i am taking it all, and i longing to live my life with the present moment at the forefront of my mind.

i will exercise because it makes me feel good. it gives me energy and i like to do it. some days i won't because all i will want to do is lay in bed and eat penny candies until i throw up. i've been doing that all my life. it's not going to stop now.

i will read my bible and take in all that it has for me. some days i will be reaching to find one thing that "hits home". somedays i won't even open it because something else will catch my attention, and i will find it boring. i am human.

i will control my worries and fears and know that my story is in the hands of Writer, but there will be times when i forget and convince myself that my story ends at the fall, and forget about the redemption.

i will remember that i am here because i have been blessed, and i am called to be a blessing to others. i will live with no regrets. i will forget the past and think more about the future. i will strive to live each day with joy and progress. i will stop living within the confines of who i think i should be.

and i will do it all with a smile on my face (at least i will try, because my husband says i always walk around with "piss mist" and i usually dont even know it) and peace in my heart. knowing that my life is not based on a series of resolutions, but rather moments that form days, and eventually years. that the journey is the destination and that where i am now is not where i will always be. that i am worthy and so are my dreams. 

i will do it knowing that i can have peace with who i am, and erase the list of resolutions to become a better me.