Have you ever had so much to say... and can't figure out how to say it?
I spend most of my life struggling to share the thoughts and opinions in my heart and mind. It's not because I don't feel they are important or that they are of little value, but because I often don't know how to articulate them. That's why they usually come out in the form of a rant, quick remark, or incoherent mumble.
For me, this blog has been an escape. A way to get off my chest the things that circle though my brain over, and over again. I am sure that my relationships would go to new heights if our way of communicating was me - writing down everything i wanted to say - and the other person reading it, and responding verbally a few days later.
I wonder what it is that holds my tongue and renders me speechless when I want to share what's on my heart. Maybe it's fear, or the anxiety of being cut off when i speak. Maybe it is just plain nerves. Maybe it's the painful thought of hearing the words "no" or "you're wrong". Maybe it's evidence of my introverted personalty. it may appear that i am extroverted by my hyper-activeness in group settings. i am not. that is a coping mechanism for me, when really, all i want to do is eat candy alone, in my room, wrapped in a blanket, and think about things... alone.
I remember being in high school and having to do a 20 minute report on a book that I read, for my "ISU". I. Was. Purple. I was so anxious that my face started over-heating and it became visable to my classmates that I was, clearly, nervous. Dark red patches all over. It didn't matter that I had word for word notes, or that it was a pretty relaxed atmosphere. There was a disconnect somewhere between the assurance of what I knew, and the articulating of it.
There are so many times that I want to carry on a conversation, drop a word in a friends ear, or grab the mic from my husband at youth and get all spiritual (shaka for those of you that run in pentecostal circles) on our students... and it's as if when I go to speak, there is a hand on my throat, choking me tightly, until I can no longer breathe.
I use to believe that this was just a character trait. That some gifts were only given to certain people, and that I just wasn't blessed with the "gift of gab". On the contrary it has become evident to me over the last little while that surely I wouldn't have been given the desire, or the insight, if I wasn't suppose to share.
I can only conclude that there is a war going on, and I am at battle with an unseen opponent. I feel like Pink and that man that she is a battle with in her music video for 'Try', minus the sexual tension.
The struggle of getting the words out of my body, and into something logical - even in the written form - is agonizing. Every time I write a blog post my right arm starts sweating uncontrollably and I get heart palpitations :(
A few days ago I was reminded of Moses. A man who's story is miraculous from the giddy up. God had this pretty epic task for him - to lead the people of Israel out of slavery, and into freedom. As you can imagine, leading a large herd of people would probably require some... verbal communication. When God told Moses what he wanted him to do he begged him to pick another for the job:
“Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Therefore go, and I will be your mouth, and teach you what to speak." Exodus 4:10-12 (ESV)
I think it's funny that Moses had to explain his situation to God, like He didn't already know. I wonder how many times I have something that I want to share, but instead I hold back, because I think I am not capable of doing His message justice.
Even after God told him that He was with him, He continued the debate about his qualifications. "Oh Lord, Please send someone else." So He got another to speak on his behalf.
You would think that if you had seen God appear in a burning bush, and watched Him turn your staff into a snake, you would have the faith to believe that He could teach you what to say.
The thing about insecurity is that it causes us to believe that even God himself lacks the power to use us.
What would our dreams look like if we took our talents and gifts out of the equation, and only left the power of God at work in us? Who would our story reach if we stopped worrying about how we were going to send it, and remember that it has already been prepared, all we have to do is deliver it?
"Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Therefore go, and I will be your mouth, and teach you what to speak."
Use me even in the midst of my unbelief.
Come and rescue me when I feel that I cannot breathe.
Be my mouth and teacher, when I cannot find the words to speak.