I have been *testy* lately.
Circumstantially I should be the happiest that I have ever been... full of joy and the acknowledgement that God is present and working in my life. At peace, knowing that He has done exceedingly more then I could have ever asked for. Full of faith, and bursting at the seams, sharing my story with those who are in need.
Somewhere along the line...
I forgot that victory is in my relationship with God, and not in the things that he does for me.
I forgot that happiness is an emotion which can change with seasons and circumstance.
I forgot that no matter how many of my prayers He answers, the peace that they bring will only be temporary if I don’t keep my eyes on him.
I forgot that God’s love and answer to prayer are not a credit card for my daily list of wants and requests.
The last few weeks I have been trying to put my finger on my “moodiness”... I am sure I am driving my husband crazy- in fact, at times, I KNOW that I am! BUT, I am a slow processor and no matter how many times he tries to talk to me about my walk with God, my “a-ha!” moments are on MY TERMS!
At first I thought that it was the fact that I was living out of my car, then I thought it was just because I was tired, at one point I thought it was because I have not established a “good routine”. I have come to realize that it’s because I have placed myself at the centre of my own world, replacing God, and doing life on my own, because I don’t need Him right now. What a dangerous place to be.
I am guilty of believing that I will be happy when the “...” happens. When I finally got a full time job, when my house sold, when I found a new place to live... THEN I would be happy! For years I have heard that this is a false belief, but for the first time I have actually been in a place where all of my list is checked off, and I am still feeling empty.
Oh Lord, forgive me for finding my happiness in answered requests.
Forgive me for replacing you with my list of needs.
Forgive me for ignoring you because I have everything figured out.
Forgive me for using you to get what I want out of this life, and then turning from you when I receive it.
I have come to the realization that moodiness is not because my husband does something stupid, or I am tired, or the weather is a certain way- it’s because I have removed myself from the one who is the true joy giver.
“Live in Me, and I will live in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me...I have told you these things, that My joy and delight may be in you, and that your joy and gladness may be of full measure and complete and overflowing.” John 15
I am learning that true and complete joy comes from abiding in Christ, and in turn Him abiding in me. The emptiness that I have felt is not because of other people, or anything that I can put my finger on... but rather the detachment that I have allowed to consume me.
The great thing about God is that even when I removed myself from Him and His heart, He is there the whole time.
He is ready and waiting for me to return and move on in my journey, where I find myself delighted in Him, to the point where I am complete and overflowing.